On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
