o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
