No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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