Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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