FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
