i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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