got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
