I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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