Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I lost the right to judge tonight
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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