2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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