he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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