did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
