My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
