a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
