Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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