she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i think i scared a bird with my dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
