dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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