i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
