I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
