so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
