He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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