I faked an abortion last night.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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