I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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