my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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