At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
