I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
