if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
