You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
