he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
