Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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