just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
