hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
