Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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