TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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