If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
