I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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