Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
