i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize