it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
