That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize