I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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