Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?