You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancĂ© called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
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I am never drinking with the goths again.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high