those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed