Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
