eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
