Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
