WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
