Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
my being single is dangerous.
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I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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