I'm eating all of the evidence.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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