Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
