He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
