Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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