I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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