I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Sober January is a disaster.
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My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
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I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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